The Battle of London was a conflict that pitted the Inbetweeners and their allies against The Astoria partygoers, a London Tramp, and an angry man.

Background Edit

Will decides the boys need to lose their "saddo" tag and that they should go clubbing in London to kick-start this "new life." Jay and Neil both warm to the idea, but Simon is reluctant to go, stating that his dad will kill him if he drives down to London. He is later persuaded to go after Neil says he has a car and will happily drive the foursome down to the capital, as well as Carli telling him that she and her friend Rachel will also be going on the same night.

As the boys prepare for the night out, Simon is informed that he will have to drive seeing as Neil's car has no engine yet. Still excited by the prospect of going to the same club as Carli, he agrees to drive.

Battle Edit

As the Inbetweeners drive through London in Simon's Car, Jay yells "Bus Wankers!" to a bus stop. The boys laugh and Neil then asks Simon to pull over as he needs the toilet. Simon refuses and Will says how they are "late enough". Neil then begins urinating into an empty beer can, much to Simon's dismay, and he says he has it all covered. He then is unable to stop and asks for a second can, however he cuts his penis whilst pulling it out of the can. He screams and disgusts the others. The can is thrown out and the drive continues.

Later, they drive by another stop. Jay yells "bus wankers!" against Simon's plees, not realizing that there is traffic ahead. The car stops and the boys are surrounded by two tough guys from the stop. One chokes Simon, who repeatedly says sorry and looks like a wimp to the rest. Jay and Neil tease and bully him about it until they arrive at the club.

They park in an alleyway outside a Chinese restaurant, Simon is skeptical about it, until Jay and Will convince him just to go to the club. Neil then continues talking about his injury much to Simon's dismay. They eventually decide to go in, and see Carli and Rachel standing in the queue. Jay then pushes Simon, Will and Neil past the fence and into the queue by Carli and Rachel. Several people start complaining about them pushing in, and start throwing things at Will's head. One saying "Get to the back of the queue, you four-eyed prick!". Rachel then betrays and abandons Will be refusing to stand next to him. The queue moves and the inbetweeners then try to enter, but the bouncer refuses to let Simon into the club due to his trainers. Instead of going in, Will, Jay and Neil decide to get out with Simon, this proves to be fatal later. After standing around with Will complaining to him about his stupid trainers, Simon encounters a tramp in a nearby alley and asks to borrow his shoes. The Tramp, confused by Simon's request, asks for and then offers Simon a blow job ("GIZ A BLOW JOB!" / "I'LL GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB!"). Despite this, the Tramp agrees on the condition that Simon gives him £20 and his shoes ("'AND YOUR SHOES!"). Agreeing, Simon swaps his new trainers with the tramp's old and worn leather shoes that are soaked in stale and fresh urine ("AYE! THAT'LL BE MA PISS!").

They get in the queue and are let into the club, and Jay and Neil leave Simon and Will to find "proper women with 'experienced snatches'". Simon and Will then go off to find Carli and Rachel, Simon finds Carli, who is with another man called Adam. Upon meeting Simon and Adam comes across as pleasant, however he and Carli begin to notice the smell of stale urine given off by the tramp's shoes Simon was wearing to get into the club, so they move away from the toilets. Elsewhere, Neil has trouble with his cut penis, freaking one of the men in the toilets out so much he leaves to get security. Meanwhile, Will's actions get the better of him as he discovers Rachel with another man. Rachel and Dean then tell Will to go away and he leaves angrily thanking Dean for ruining his relationship, when he did it himself by not going into the club and leaving Rachel to meet Dean. Carli and Adam notice that the smell had followed them to a different part of the club, causing both himself and Carli to rightly suspect Simon as the source. Upon confessing Adam did not hesitate in calling Simon "weird" for swapping his shoes with a tramp. Meanwhile, Jay goes into the toilets and asks Neil "what's taking so fucking long?". Neil replies how it stings and that it hurts every time he pulls his trousers up. Jay tells him to take his pants off so it won't hurt, only for Neil to respond by saying "but then it will rub on my jeans". Jay tells him that, no matter what his dad tells him, he cannot walk around London whit his penis hanging out. Security arrives and drags Jay and Neil out of the club, Simon and Will then meet and discuss what went wrong with their perfect plans to pull Carli D'Amato and Rachel. They see Jay and Neil being thrown out and leave with them.

After Neil is thrown out for "masturbating" in the toilets (he was actually inspecting the cut on his penis he received earlier whilst urinating into a beer can in Simon's car), the boys decide to call it a night, but on the way back to the car, they noticed it has been clamped. Since the boys don't have any money to pay for the fine, Simon had no choice, but to call his dad to come and fix up the problem, he is approached by an Asian man, who clamped his car, and demands a £200 fine. The boys fear for their lives and jump into Simon's car, the man angrily begins shouting for his money and hitting the bonnet repeatedly. Carli, Rachel, Dean and Adam walk passed and Simon asks Carli if she still wants a lift home (instead of calling for help), to which she refuses. The man then continues shouting death threats whilst attacking the car. Simon is presumably in deep trouble after this.